Changing Your Behaviour

What I’m going to talk about today is a subject that I don’t usually talk much about, because people seem to think it’s a magical or mystical thing or it’s handed down to us from some god or a higher being; none of these are true. I am talking about karma.

Many people think that karma is handed down to us from lifetime to lifetime, and we can’t avoid it.  Actually, karma means patterns of behaviour we have done so often they have become habits. It is no more mystical or magical than that. This means karma is one hundred percent in your own hands. You produce your own karma, not anybody else.

When we do an act for the first time, we plant a seed in our mind. For example, you tell a lie to this person for the first time. That plants a seed, and that seed becomes a potential. If you never tell another lie, then that potential will just sit there dormant, and nothing will happen. But if you tell another lie, what you’re doing is watering that seed, and it will start to grow. The more you keep lying, the more you keep watering that seed, and the more that seed will grow. That seed will now grow into a habit, it grows into a pattern of behaviour, and that is what karma is. It’s a pattern of behaviour.

When you keep acting in a certain way, that pattern of behaviour keeps growing, and it becomes part of your character. When that happens, you begin to act in that way from your unconscious mind. You’re now lying without consciously thinking about what you are doing. So, in the first instant when you planted that seed, you are doing it consciously. You consciously made a choice to lie, but the more that you’ve watered that seed, the more it becomes an unconscious way of acting. It is now a habit, your behaviour, your character.

It’s nothing to do with a god or higher being, it’s nothing to do with anybody else, it’s everything to do with you. And that’s the good point, because if it’s to do with you, it means that you can change. You can break that habit.

We all have behaviours that we don’t really like, or we don’t want to be that type of person, but we are. If you’re an angry person, if you’re a jealous person, if you tell lies or if you steal things, these are all learned behaviours. You are not born with any of those behaviour. No baby was born a thief, or a criminal, or a murderer, a liar, a cheat. These are all behaviours that we’ve learned. So, because we’ve learned them, we can unlearn them. We can change our behaviour.

If we keep doing the same behaviour, we’re going to keep getting the same result. Now, that is such a simple thing for us to get our heads around. But we all keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. The only way to get different results is to do different things. If we want to change our lives, if we want our lives to be happier, if we want to be contented, we have to change our behaviour.

We need to analyse the behaviours we don’t like and start to think of different ways to act. To help with this I have written an acronym called A.W.A.R.E. We can use this practice during our meditation sessions. The A stands for attention, W is why, A is assess, R is reality and E is examine.

While sitting in meditation, focus on your breath for a few minutes. This will help calm you down and focus the mind. Now, think of a behavioural pattern you wish to change. Then bring an incident into your mind when you behaved in that way.

Now use the AWARE practice:

Attention – look at this behaviour and see if you are working from your conscious mind, or are you working from your unconscious mind. Are you on autopilot, is this simply a habit? You bring your full attention to how you acted.

Why – And then you look at the why you acted that way. Now, when we look at the ‘why’ what we’re looking for is what’s my motivation? What is my intention of acting this way? Why did I behave like this?

Assess – then we assess if the action was an ethical way to be. Am I causing harm to somebody else or am I causing harm to myself?

Reality – a lot of the time when we are on autopilot our actions are not based in reality. We tend to generalise or catastrophise. So, here we ask ourselves am I just generalising? Am I catastrophising?  

Now we’ve looked at our behaviour and understood that it either stems from our conscious or unconscious mind. We have looked at why we acted that way. Assessed the situation to see if it was ethical and if it was based in reality. So, now we need to examine a better way to act in future.

Examine – if you don’t want to act in the same way in future, you need to explore better ways to act. Ways that are helpful, skilful, ethical and kind. By reflecting on a better way to act, you are planting seeds for the future. So, the next time you find yourself in the same situation you can act in a different way. This will help you water the new seed and the more you do that, the more your behaviour will change. This is obviously a slow process and it will take time and a lot of effort, but it is doable.

I am sure we all have lots of behaviours we would like to change. Just start with a simple one, because once you start to see changes in that behaviour, it is going to motivate you to change other behaviours.

You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.

If you would like to become a supporter of Buddhism Guides work, such as podcasts, blogs, videos and guided meditation practices, please visit here. You can support for as little as $2 a month.

Buddha’s Last Words – The Buddha Dharma Series

All compounded things in the world are changeable.
They are not lasting.
Work hard to gain your own liberation.
Practice diligently.

These are Buddha’s last words and the first part reminds us that all compounded things are impermanent. If we keep this in mind we will not get attached to things, which in turn will reduce our suffering.

The second part, which is the most interesting, says we should work towards our own liberation. Here the word liberation means an end to our suffering. This means we have to look within, take responsibility for our own actions and do the hard work ourselves.

It does not say liberation can be found outside of us, we should blame karma for what is happening in our lives or we have to hand our liberation over to some guru.

I believe we need teachers to help us along the path, but ultimately, we have to decide ourselves what path suits us best and which parts of Buddhism we decide to follow. It doesn’t mean we have to take on other people’s culture or superstitions. We also must decide how much time we devote to that path. The ball is in our court and no one can end our suffering for us.

The final part says that we should practice diligently. It is of very little benefit to simply understand Buddha’s teaching intellectually. They have to be practiced with great effort.

We have to firstly understand the power of the three poisons – clinging desire, aversion/attachment and delusion. Then we need to ensure oou minds are not clouded by these poisons. That is our starting point and something we need to be aware of throughout this path.

We need to fully understand the four noble truths and implement them into our lives. This is a lifetimes work and not something to be taken lightly. The eightfold path, which is the fourth of the truths, is a something we need to constantly ensure we are following.

Meditation is an extremely important part of Buddhism and I would encourage you to learn and practice each day. Mindfulness is also important, even though, the word has been totally misused of late, the four foundations are important to understand and practice.

There are many things in our lives that can bring us suffering and Buddha pinpointed eight of them in the teaching called the eight worldly concerns. Again, it is important to ensure we are not being led astray by these concerns.

Compassion is important in all religions and Buddhism is no exception. But Buddhism does not just talk about that. In the four immeasurables, Buddha spoke about equanimity, kind-heartedness, compassion, and open-hearted joy. All of these help us breakdown the barriers we erect between different types of people.

One of the most difficult to understand but without doubt, one of the most important, is the concept of non-self. We spend so much of our time building our identities and so find it difficult to appreciate that there is no solid, permanent and independent self. I would encourage you to revisit this teaching regularly, so you can slowly understand its importance.

I wish you all the best on your Buddhist journey and hope that these fourteen teachings have helped you in some small way.

I will leave the last word to Buddha:      

‘I say to you that these teachings of which I have direct knowledge and which I have made known to you — these you should thoroughly learn, cultivate, develop, and frequently practice, that the life of purity may be established and may long endure, for the welfare and happiness of the multitude, out of compassion for the world, for the benefit, wellbeing, and happiness of all beings.’

You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.

If you would like to become a supporter of Buddhism Guides work, such as podcasts, blogs, videos and guided meditation practices, please visit here. You can support for as little as $2 a month.

Four Immeasurables: Compassion – The Buddha Dharma Series

Compassion is the third of the four immeasurables and it is an understanding that the world is full of suffering, and a heartfelt wish that this suffering will come to an end or at least lessen—for ourselves and others.

Some people are so wrapped up in their own world of suffering that they forget to have compassion for other people’s suffering. It can seem at times that we live in a selfish world in which people close their eyes and ears to the constant stream of tears. Some people are even able to watch the news or read the newspaper in a dispassionate way. Of course, we all have our own problems to deal with, but simply focusing on our own troubles is not a kind or helpful way of thinking. This is not the type of world we should wish to live in or leave for our children. If we do not have compassion for others, why should they have compassion for us?

Through focusing on compassion, the fact that everyone is suffering remains vivid in our minds. Sometimes we may feel that we are not suffering, even though on some level we are. This should not stop us from having compassion for those who are suffering. Compassion should be ever present—not just for family and friends, but for everyone, even people who are acting in an unhelpful way. Once we start to discriminate who should have our compassion and who doesn’t deserve it, true compassion is lost. Everyone is suffering, so everyone deserves it. Keep in mind that compassion is for the person and not their behaviour. If we think like this, we will be able to cultivate compassion for all human beings.

I believe it is beneficial to see compassion as a verb; something we have to put into practice. Having said that, we do have to be intelligent with our compassion. It is of no benefit to give money to drunken homeless people. They are just going to spend it on more drink, compounding their problems. It is far better to give them food, or to give your money to a homeless shelter that helps these people.

Compassion isn’t just about giving; it’s about giving sensibly, and that could include money, clothing, food, your time and so on. In a nutshell, compassion is the humane quality of understanding the suffering of others and wanting to do something to alleviate it.

The best way to ensure that compassion arises in you is to do a meditation such as this one:

Fostering a Compassionate Mind

Sit comfortably on the floor or on an unarmed chair with your back straight but not too rigid. Gently close your eyes and do the follow breathing exercise.
I want you to breathe in deeply, hold and then breathe all the air out.
Let’s begin:

Breathe in… hold…breathe out…
Breathe in… hold…breathe out…
Breathe in… hold…breathe out…

Now breath normally. Making sure your breath is slow and natural.
This exercise brings you comfortably into the present moment, the here and now…. rest there while I briefly explain about compassion.

Compassion is the wish that others do not suffer, as well as having the aspiration to help end the suffering of others. Compassion is a mind free from hatred and discrimination. Cultivating compassion is a wonderful source of peace and harmony in your mind.

Keep yourself in your relaxed state and start to picture someone who is close to you, someone you care about and are very fond of. Notice how this fondness feels in your heart… (Pauses between each question) Notice the sensations around your heart… Perhaps you feel a sensation of warmth, openness, or tenderness…

Focus on these feelings as you visualize the person you care about standing in front of you. As you breathe out, imagine that you are sending light rays out from your heart and these light rays hold your warm feelings of compassion. Imagine the light reaches out to the person you care about, bringing happiness and relief from suffering. At the same time, silently recite these phrases three times. “May you have happiness. May you be free from suffering.”

Now sit for a moment with these feelings of compassion in your heart.

Now visualise someone you neither like nor dislike, but someone you may see in your everyday life, such as someone from work you are not familiar with, a shopkeeper or a stranger you pass on the street. Although you are not familiar with this person, think of how this person may suffer in his or her own life. This person also may have conflicts with loved ones or struggled with an addiction or may have suffered an illness. Imagine a situation in which this person may have suffered.

Visualise this person standing in front of you and imagine that you are extending the light rays from your heart to them, and that the light is easing his or her suffering. Extend this light out to them while exhaling, with the strong heartfelt wish that they be free from suffering and they experience happiness.

Silently recite three times to him or her: “May you be free from this suffering… May you have joy and happiness”

Now rest a moment with the warmth of compassion in your heart

Now visualize someone you have difficulty with or dislike. This may be a parent, ex-girlfriend or boyfriend, a roommate, or a co-worker.

Although you may have negative feelings towards this person, think of how this person has suffered in his or her own life. This person has also had conflicts with loved ones or has dealt with failures or may have suffered illness. Think of a situation in which this person may have suffered.

Visualise this person and imagine that you are extending the light rays from your heart to him or her, and that the light is easing his or her suffering and bringing them happiness. Extend this light out to them while exhaling, with the strong heartfelt wish that they be free from suffering and they have happiness in their lives.

Silently recite this three times to him or her: “May you be free from this suffering… May you have joy and happiness”

If you have difficulty in wishing for this person’s suffering to be relieved, you may think of a positive interaction you have had with this person in the past that can help you in wishing them joy and happiness. Perhaps there were times when you got along, laughed together. It is important to remember that they are just the same as you – they want happiness and do not want to suffer.

So, silently recite this phrase three more times to this person, “May you be free from this suffering… May you have joy and happiness”

Now rest a moment with the warmth of compassion in your heart.

Now, when you are ready, start to slowly open your eyes and gently introduce yourself back into the world.

Off the meditation cushion, you can have a set phrase ready to mentally recite once you feel you are not caring for another person’s suffering, something like, ‘May they be released from their suffering, may all beings be released from suffering and may compassion arise in my heart’. But, as before, it is important that you decide on your own wording, so it resonates with you. This is only a suggestion.

Sometimes when we are being harassed by a homeless person, annoyance arises in us instead of compassion. Next time that happens, mentally recite your set phrase. It doesn’t mean you are going to give that person all your money out of compassion, but it does mean you will feel compassion towards them. You should recite your phrase every time you feel that you are not being compassionate. What these phrases do is connect us to others. We appreciate that they are suffering just like us, and once we have this connection, it is easier to radiate compassion towards other beings.

You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.

If you would like to become a supporter of Buddhism Guides work, such as podcasts, blogs, videos and guided meditation practices, please visit here. You can support for as little as $2 a month.

Four Immeasurables: Kind-Heartedness – The Buddha Dharma Series

The second of the four immeasurables is kind-heartedness. This is not about how we feel, but about how we relate to these feelings. It invites us to drop our habitual patterns of reactivity and to free ourselves from emotional habits which serve neither ourselves nor anyone else.

Sometimes our goodwill only covers people that are useful, pleasing or amusing to us. This is not how we should divide groups of people; we have to see people through the eyes of kindness. We must open our hearts to everyone, and that includes the people who make us angry, politicians from a party we disagree with, religious leaders that have different beliefs than ours, people who act and dress differently than us, and those who just have the knack of rubbing us up the wrong way. All of these people deserve our kindness, and so we have to train ourselves to think kind, helpful and positive thoughts about them.

If we just watch our thoughts for a few hours, it becomes quite apparent that this isn’t how we usually think. Not every thought radiates kindness to others, so how can we cultivate kind-heartedness? A great place to start is by doing the following meditation on a regular basis.

Kind-heartedness Meditation

I want you to think of a person you care about. Feel gratitude and kindness for this person. Just sit with these feelings for a moment

Now I want you to repeat the following phrases to the person you care about and when you are repeating remember to really engage with the meaning of the words:

May you be kind-hearted to yourself and others x 3

May you be safe and secure x 3

May you have a peaceful mind x 3

Now sit for a moment with feelings of warmth and kindness for this person

Now think of a neutral person in your life. Someone you neither class as a friend or you dislike. Bring feelings of kindness and warmth into your heart for this person. Just sit with these feelings for a moment

Now I want you to repeat these phrases to the neutral person and really engage with the meaning of the words:

May you be kind-hearted to yourself and others x 3

May you be safe and secure x 3

May you have a peaceful mind x 3

Now sit with feelings of warmth and kindness for this person

Now think of a person you are having difficulties with at the moment. Try to feel kindness towards this person. Remember, they are just like you – they do not want to suffer, they what to be peaceful and secure. Just sit with these feelings for a moment

Now I want you to repeat these phrases to the person you are having difficulty with and really engage with the meaning of the words:

May you be kind-hearted to yourself and others x 3

May you be safe and secure x 3

May you have a peaceful mind x 3

Now sit with feelings of warmth and kindness for this person and just put your difficulties to one side for a moment

Now, slowly open your eyes and just sit there a moment experiencing the warmth of kindheartedness.

Here is a practice to use in your day-to-day life. I find the best antidote to judging someone, when we are not on our meditation cushion, is to have a set phrase that resonates with you, something like, ‘May my mind be at ease, may you be happy, may everyone be free from suffering’. This phrase can be used when you feel negative and unhelpful thoughts rising in you.

The next time you start to judge someone, mentally recite your phrase and your judgement will start to dissolve. Remember, we all have to co-exist on this planet and we all want to be happy, so the best way to end our judgemental thoughts is to wish kindness to everyone.

You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.

If you would like to become a supporter of Buddhism Guides work, such as podcasts, blogs, videos and guided meditation practices, please visit here. You can support for as little as $2 a month.



Four Immeasurables: Equanimity – The Buddha Dharma Series

In Buddhism, we are taught to avoid and eventually abandon negative states of mind, such as the three poisons, and encouraged to cultivate positive ones, such as the four immeasurables, which are: Kind-heartedness, Compassion, Open-Hearted Joy, and Equanimity. These immeasurables are basically four individual meditation practices.

Traditionally, they are taught in the order I mentioned above. However, I believe the fourth one should come first, because if we have equanimity the other three will naturally fall into place. Buddhism states that equanimity is not only a very deep state of mental balance and stability, but also as an interconnectedness with everyone.

So, let’s start by looking at equanimity. Our lives are full of ups and downs. If we can face the downs as well as the ups, we will be able to cultivate an open and calm mind. We all know that it’s easy to face the ups, but not so easy to come to terms with the downs; but if we don’t, all we are doing is adding to our suffering.

When we look at the world, we can clearly see how hard it is to attain a balanced mind, as we are continuously in a flux of rises and falls. These lift us up one moment and fling us down the next. This is true for everyone; we are all the same. So, if that is the case, why do we discriminate against others? We are all in the same boat, all trying our best to ride the same waves of life.

So, equanimity is where we do not distinguish between our friends, the people we dislike or strangers, but regard everyone as equal. This is not easy because when we are not being aware of what is happening in the present moment we get tossed around by our prejudices and emotions. We need to have a complete openness to our experiences, without being carried away with reactions such as ‘I like this’ and ‘dislike that’ or ‘I love you’ and ‘I detest you.’ A balanced mind will mean we are not going to be disturbed by the eight worldly conditions, as I mentioned in the previous blog.

What we are trying to do here is remove the boundaries between ourselves and others by discarding our discriminations. What we are not doing is becoming detached or feeling indifferent to others. This is a common misunderstanding of what is meant by equanimity in the four immeasurables.

We have to look upon others as our equals and see that they have their ups and downs just like us. If we can do this, equanimity will be able to grow.

The following mediation practice will help you see everyone as equal.

Equanimity meditation

In Buddhism, equanimity means a very deep, even profound, state of mental balance and stability.

The cause of much of our upset and emotional instability is clinging neediness to people we like, and aversion and negativity towards people we don’t like. We also have an unhealthy indifference to strangers, who may need our help.

In this meditation, we learn to examine our feelings towards people and correct them where they are mistaken. This leads to a more balanced, wholesome, and helpful viewpoint. It also cuts off a lot of emotional turmoil at its root.

We are going to meditate on three types of people (a loved one, one we dislike, and a neutral person). We are going to examine and correct our feelings toward them.

Sit comfortably and lightly close your eyes. Start by watching your breath.

To begin with, focus on a friend and look into all the reasons you like this person.

Try to see if any of the reasons are about things this person does for you, or ways they uplift your ego.

Ask yourself if these are really the correct reasons to like someone.

Now do the same thing with the person you are having difficulties with. Look to see if you can find things you like about them.

Notice where your ego is involved in your judgment of this person.

Finally, do this for the person you are indifferent towards, asking about the reasons for your indifference.

Again, notice where your ego is involved in the judgment of this person.

Next, ask yourself whether you consider each of these relationships as permanent.

Would you still like your friend if they did something terrible to you?

What if the person you dislike really did something nice for you?

What if the stranger became close to you?

Think about all the relationships in the past in which your feelings about the person have dramatically changed.

Now, visualize the person you like doing something you dislike or that is unacceptable to you. Would you still be their friend?

Remember that many people have changed from friends to enemies in the past. There are people who you used to like, toward whom you now dislike.

Think about how there is no special reason to feel good about a person who is only temporary part of your life.

Next, visualize the person you are having difficulties with doing something very kind for you. They might visit you in the hospital or help support you when you are in trouble. When you imagine this, can you feel positive emotions toward this person?

Can you remember times in the past when someone you disliked became a friend?

Is it necessary to feel that your strong dislike for this person will last forever? Isn’t it possible that they could someday become your friend?

Now visualize the stranger. How would you feel about them if they did something very kind for you?

Isn’t it the case that all your current friends were at one-point total strangers?

Isn’t it possible that a stranger could become your best friend?

Think carefully about how everyone deserves to be treated equally as human beings.

It is very likely that your emotions around a person will change many times, so why hold onto these emotions so rigidly?

This meditation is a formal practice and what I want to do now is introduce a practice you can use while you go about your daily lives. When you feel your prejudices coming to the surface, have a set phrase to mentally repeat to yourself, something like, ‘They are no different than me. They, like me, are subject to the ups and downs of life. We are all equal’. It is better for you to have your own phrase as it will resonate with you. By mentally repeating your set phrase you will stop your discriminations in their track. After a while you will naturally see all as equal, but that is going to take time. So, for now, use your set phrase and the formal meditation.

You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on the Buddhism Guide app. Available from the Apple Store and Google Play.

If you would like to become a supporter of Buddhism Guides work, such as podcasts, blogs, videos and guided meditation practices, please visit here. You can support for as little as $2 a month.