In today’s fast-paced and constantly changing world, the ancient Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi offers a refreshing perspective on life, encouraging us to appreciate the beauty of imperfection and transience. Wabi Sabi is not just a design or aesthetic concept; it’s a way of life that can inspire us to find contentment and peace in the midst of life’s chaos and imperfections.
Wabi Sabi is a philosophy that embraces the beauty of imperfection, impermanence, and incompleteness. It celebrates the natural state of things and finds beauty in the simple, unpretentious, and unrefined. This concept originated from the Buddhist teachings and has evolved over centuries to become a profound cultural and appealing ideal in Japan.
“Wabi” embodies simplicity, humility, and living in harmony with nature. It emphasises the beauty of things that are modest, unassuming, and unadorned. Wabi encourages us to find joy in the ordinary and appreciate the elegance of simplicity.
“Sabi” represents the beauty that comes with age, wear, and the passage of time. It acknowledges the graceful aging and weathering of objects, as well as the acceptance of the inevitable cycle of growth, decay, and death. Sabi teaches us to find beauty in the sheen of old objects and the wisdom that comes with experience.
Together, these two concepts create a philosophy for approaching life: accept what is, stay in the present moment, and appreciate the simple, transient phases of life.
The writer Omar Itani said, ‘It takes a Wabi heart, to recognise Sabi beauty.’
So, what is the relevance of this philosophy in today’s world? Well, in today’s modern society, where perfection and youth are often glorified, the philosophy of Wabi Sabi offers a much-needed counterbalance. It encourages us to embrace the natural cycles of life, and to find beauty in the imperfect, the aged, and the transient. In a world filled with mass-produced goods and superficial ideals of beauty, Wabi Sabi reminds us to slow down, appreciate authenticity, and seek meaning beyond material possessions.
Here are 6 Main Points of Wabi Sabi:
Accepting Life
Acceptance is a fundamental aspect of the Wabi Sabi philosophy, emphasising the appreciation of things as they are, without the desire for change or improvement. In the context of Wabi Sabi, acceptance encompasses a deep understanding of the impermanence inherent in all aspects of life.
Wabi Sabi encourages us to embrace the concept of impermanence, recognising that nothing is permanent, and that change is an inevitable part of existence. By acknowledging the transient nature of life, we can cultivate a sense of acceptance for the natural ebb and flow of experiences, relationships, and circumstances. This acceptance allows us to let go of attachment to specific outcomes and find peace in the present moment, regardless of life’s uncertainties.
The sooner we can accept all the good and bad things life throws at us, the lighter we will feel. We will find our freedom through acceptance, and out of acceptance, we find the path to lessen all forms of suffering.
In practical terms, embracing acceptance in the spirit of Wabi Sabi involves cultivating mindfulness and gratitude. Through mindfulness, we can become more aware of our thoughts and emotions, allowing us to observe them without judgment and develop a greater sense of acceptance for ourselves and others. Gratitude encourages us to acknowledge and appreciate the present moment, fostering a deeper sense of contentment and acceptance of our circumstances.
Ultimately, by integrating the principle of acceptance into our lives, we can experience a profound shift in perspective, finding peace and fulfilment amid life’s inevitable flux.
2. Embracing Imperfection
Embracing imperfection, as taught by the Japanese philosophy of Wabi Sabi, encourages individuals to find beauty in the flawed and imperfect aspects of life. This concept can be applied to various facets of life, including art, design, relationships, and personal growth. By embracing imperfection, individuals cultivate a mindset of acceptance and appreciation for the inherent beauty in things that deviate from conventional notions of perfection.
In the realm of art and design, the principles of Wabi Sabi celebrate asymmetry and simplicity. Instead of striving for flawless and symmetrical designs, Wabi Sabi encourages artists and designers to incorporate irregularities and imperfections, recognizing the unique character and history they bring to a piece. This approach not only honours the natural aging and weathering of materials but also fosters a deeper connection between the observer and the object, evoking a sense of tranquillity and harmony.
Furthermore, the concept of embracing imperfection can be applied to personal growth and relationships. By acknowledging and accepting one’s own imperfections, individuals can cultivate self-compassion and a sense of authenticity. This self-acceptance can lead to increased resilience and a more positive self-image. Similarly, in relationships, embracing imperfection can foster empathy and understanding, as individuals learn to appreciate the unique qualities and flaws of others, fostering deeper and more authentic connections.
In today’s fast-paced and often superficial world, the principles of Wabi Sabi serve as a poignant reminder to slow down, appreciate the beauty in imperfection, and find value in the transient and imperfect nature of existence. By embracing imperfection, individuals can find joy in the authenticity and uniqueness of life, fostering a greater sense of contentment, empathy, and interconnectedness with the world around them.
3. Finding Beauty in Simplicity
Finding beauty in simplicity, as advocated by the principles of Wabi Sabi, encourages individuals to appreciate the elegance and tranquillity inherent in unadorned and unpretentious aspects of life. This concept can be applied to various aspects of modern living, including lifestyle, design, and personal wellbeing. By embracing simplicity, individuals can declutter their lives, prioritize what truly matters, and find solace amid the complexity and rapid pace of contemporary existence.
In the realm of lifestyle, embracing simplicity involves streamlining one’s possessions, commitments, and daily routines. By focusing on what is essential and shedding the unessential, individuals can create a sense of clarity and purpose in their lives. This can lead to reduced stress, increased productivity, and a greater capacity for mindfulness and appreciation of the present moment. Embracing simplicity may involve simplifying one’s living space, decluttering possessions, and practicing mindful consumption, all of which can contribute to a more peaceful and harmonious lifestyle.
Moreover, in the context of design and aesthetics, the concept of finding beauty in simplicity encourages the creation and appreciation of unadorned, minimalistic, and functional forms. This approach emphasises the intrinsic beauty of natural materials, clean lines, and unassuming elegance, fostering a sense of calm and balance. By embracing simplicity in design, individuals can create environments that promote clarity of thought, serenity, and a deeper connection to the surrounding natural world.
The principles of Wabi Sabi offer a valuable antidote to the overwhelming complexity and constant stimulation that characterise modern living. By embracing simplicity, individuals can cultivate a more mindful and intentional approach to life, focusing on what truly matters and finding tranquillity amid the chaos. This can lead to reduced stress, enhanced wellbeing, and a greater capacity for appreciation of the present moment, ultimately fostering a more balanced and fulfilling existence.
4. Appreciating the Natural Cycle
Appreciating the natural cycle in Sabi in Wabi Sabi encourages individuals to recognise and find beauty in the inevitability of growth, decay, and impermanence. This principle can be applied to various aspects of life, including personal growth, relationships, and coping with change. By acknowledging the natural cycle, individuals can cultivate resilience, let go of attachments, and find peace amidst life’s inevitable transitions and uncertainties.
On a personal level, embracing the natural cycle involves recognising the ebb and flow of life, acknowledging that change and impermanence are fundamental aspects of existence. By embracing this perspective, individuals can let go of unrealistic expectations and attachments, fostering a greater sense of acceptance and inner peace. This can lead to increased resilience and adaptability, enabling individuals to navigate life’s challenges with grace and equanimity.
In the realm of relationships, appreciating the natural cycle can foster a deeper understanding of the impermanence of experiences and emotions. By acknowledging that relationships, like all aspects of life, are subject to change and evolution, individuals can approach connections with a greater sense of openness and non-attachment. This can lead to more authentic and resilient relationships, characterised by an acceptance of each other’s growth and change.
Moreover, this concept can also be applied to broader social and environmental contexts. By acknowledging and respecting the natural cycle of growth, decay, and renewal in the natural world, individuals can develop a greater appreciation for the interconnectedness of all living things and the beauty that emerges from the passage of time. This can inspire a more sustainable and harmonious approach to interacting with the environment and the world around us.
In today’s world, characterised by rapid change and uncertainty, the principles of Wabi Sabi offer a valuable framework for coping with life’s transitions. By embracing the natural cycle, individuals can develop a deeper sense of peace and resilience, finding beauty in the impermanence of existence and approaching change with grace and acceptance. This can lead to a greater capacity for adaptability, emotional wellbeing, and a more profound connection to the world around us.
5. Valuing Authenticity
The Wabi Sabi principle of valuing authenticity emphasises the importance of embracing genuine, unadulterated qualities in various aspects of life, including personal interactions, creativity, and social values. By prioritising authenticity over artificial perfection, individuals can cultivate deeper connections, foster a sense of community, and seek meaningful experiences and relationships in today’s world, characterised by superficiality and the pursuit of external validation.
In personal interactions, the emphasis on authenticity encourages individuals to embrace their true selves and to engage with others in a sincere and open manner. By valuing authenticity, individuals can create genuine connections based on mutual understanding, empathy, and respect, fostering a sense of belonging and emotional intimacy. This approach promotes the expression of genuine emotions and ideas, leading to more fulfilling and meaningful relationships characterised by trust and mutual support.
In the domain of creativity and self-expression, valuing authenticity encourages individuals to embrace their unique perspectives and creative voices, rather than conforming to external expectations or trends. By prioritising authenticity in artistic endeavours, individuals can create work that reflects their true selves, resonating with others on a deeper, more emotional level. This can lead to the cultivation of a more diverse and inclusive creative landscape, where individual authenticity is celebrated and valued.
Furthermore, in the context of social values, emphasising authenticity encourages a re-evaluation of the importance placed on external appearances and material success. By valuing authenticity, individuals and communities can shift their focus towards fostering genuine connections, empathy, and a sense of shared humanity. This can lead to the development of more compassionate and inclusive communities, where individuals feel accepted and valued for their true selves.
Today, where social media and digital communication often prioritise image and superficiality, the principles of Wabi Sabi offer a valuable reminder to seek real, meaningful experiences and relationships. By valuing authenticity, individuals can cultivate deeper connections and a greater sense of belonging, promoting emotional wellbeing and a more profound appreciation for the beauty of genuine human connection.
6. Cultivating Contentment
Cultivating contentment, as advocated by Wabi Sabi, encourages individuals to find beauty and fulfilment in the simplicity of everyday life, fostering a sense of gratitude and inner peace. This principle can be applied to various aspects of modern living, including lifestyle, personal wellbeing, and social values. By embracing contentment, individuals can combat the pervasive culture of consumerism and comparison, leading to a greater appreciation for the richness of the present moment and a deeper sense of fulfilment.
On a personal level, cultivating contentment involves developing an awareness of and gratitude for the simple pleasures and blessings in one’s life. By focusing on the present moment and appreciating what one has rather than longing for what is lacking, individuals can cultivate a sense of inner peace and fulfilment. This approach encourages mindfulness and a deeper connection to the richness of everyday experiences, fostering a more profound appreciation for the beauty of the ordinary.
Furthermore, cultivating contentment can lead to a re-evaluation of social values, shifting the focus from material possessions and external measures of success to an appreciation for intrinsic richness and emotional wellbeing. By embracing contentment, individuals can combat the pervasive culture of consumerism and comparison, promoting a greater emphasis on the value of experiences, relationships, and personal growth. This shift can lead to a more sustainable and balanced approach to living, characterised by a deeper sense of fulfilment and wellbeing.
We live in a world where the pursuit of external validation and material possessions often leads to feelings of inadequacy and discontent, the principles of Wabi Sabi offer a poignant reminder to seek joy and fulfilment in the present moment. By cultivating contentment, individuals can develop a greater appreciation for the simple pleasures of everyday life, fostering a deeper sense of gratitude and inner peace. This approach can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling existence, characterised by a greater emphasis on intrinsic richness and emotional wellbeing.
So, Wabi Sabi offers a timeless and profound philosophy that is deeply relevant in today’s world. By embracing acceptance, imperfection, simplicity, the natural cycle, authenticity, and contentment, we can cultivate a more meaningful and fulfilling way of life. In a society often driven by materialism and perfectionism, the principles of Wabi Sabi remind us to find beauty in the ordinary, to cherish the passage of time, and to seek authenticity and contentment in our relationships and experiences. As we integrate these principles into our lives, we can discover a sense of peace, resilience, and joy that transcends the fleeting standards of superficial beauty and perfection.
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All our actions of body and speech stem from our mind, so it is vitally important to have a strategy whereby we can have some control over our thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Mindfulness and carrying out a day of observance are two good ways to practice self-restraint.
I am not saying by using mindfulness and a day of observance we have to try and control or suppress our actions of body and speech, just get in tune with them.
Many people believe mindfulness can only be achieved on the meditation cushion. This is not correct. Although we do mindfulness meditation practices, we must take the insights we gain from that and introduce them into our daily lives. If we are extremely mindful on our cushion, but when we go outside, we are driven by thoughts of the past or the future, what is the point of our mindfulness practice?
We have to remain focused on the task at hand, and not let our minds wander off to the future or float back to the past. Of course, it is natural to have a wandering mind, but we need to learn skills to keep it in check. When we are walking, we should be fully aware that we are walking. When we are eating, sitting, washing, talking, listening and so on, we should be fully in tune with what we are doing, our thoughts and emotions, and what is happening around us. This way of being will enable us to watch our thoughts, feelings, and emotions as they arise, so we can weed out the unhelpful ones and allow only the helpful ones to materialise into actions of body and speech.
So often we just do and say things out of habit. Even though they have not served us well in the past, we still do them. We are trapped in our comfort zone. So, what we need to do is become aware of our thoughts before they turn into actions. If you are not convinced that your thoughts control your feelings, emotions, and actions, just try feeling unhappy without having unhappy or negative thoughts—it cannot be done. This is the same for happiness, anger, sadness, pride, jealousy and so on. To experience any feeling or emotion, you have to first have the thought that produces it. The same goes for any action; first we think we are going to walk, and then we walk. It is the same for our speech. We don’t just tell a lie; we have the thought that we are going to lie, and then we lie. This is how important our thoughts are. Some people say, ‘Oh! Sorry, that just came out’, but it wouldn’t have if they had been mindful.
If we check to see what we are about to do or say is going to be helpful or harmful, we will be able to restrain from the harmful and concentrate on the helpful. You can also look at your actions during your reflection practice and see what worked and what didn’t, and next time you are in the situation where something didn’t work, remain mindful and act in a more helpful way.
Another very good way to train ourselves in self-restraint, and being able to stay focused, is to have a day of observance. This is when you make a promise to yourself to observe the eight precepts. You can observe them for one day, a week, a month, a year or even for the rest of your life. However, most people would do them for a day because they have family or work commitments. It is possible to do them for a longer period if you attend an organised retreat. A lot of people will wait for a certain day or date to have a day of observance, but I believe it is not necessary to wait for a special day, such as a new or full moon day. A good day to choose is when you are not working, so you can concentrate on doing practice, reading books, or listening to spiritual teachings. I would suggest you try to do a day of observance once a week, but at the very least once a month.
The precepts are:
Refrain from killing
Refrain from stealing
Refrain from wrong speech
Refrain from sexual misconduct
Refrain from intoxicants and illegal drugs
Refrain from eating at the wrong time
Refrain from any type of entertainment and from beautifying yourself
Refrain from sleeping on a luxurious bed
On the day of observance, you should rise at dawn and make a commitment to adhere to the eight precepts until dawn the next day. You do not have to make the promise to a god or your teacher or anyone else; just make it to yourself because it is you who is going to benefit, and it is also you who will be cheated if you do not carry out the observance.
Precept one is refrain from killing, and so it is good not to eat any meat and dairy on this day and to remain conscious of not killing any animals or insects. Try to stay indoors as much as possible, because whenever we go outside we are liable to inadvertently step on insects.
Precept two is refrain from stealing, so do not take what has not been given.
Precept three is refrain from wrong speech and if you come into contact with others on this day, be sure you think before you speak. Do not say anything until you have checked to see if it is true, helpful, and kind. I believe it is much better to take a vow of silence on this day. It has two benefits: you do not have to worry about wrong speech and, most important, you remain totally focused as there is just you and your thoughts and that is a very powerful combination.
Precept four is refrain from sexual misconduct, so do not engage in any sexual activities on this day. That means no sex between dawn one day and dawn the next day. This is not saying that sex is a bad thing, only that it is a distraction and something we get attached to, so it is better to refrain from it for one day.
Precept five is refrain from intoxicants and illegal drugs, and we should not take any intoxicants on this day. Of course, medicinal drugs are permitted.
Precept six concerns not eating at the wrong time, and so we should not eat and drink after noon on the day of observance. It is advisable to eat and drink at around eleven thirty in the morning and then not to eat or drink anything after that until dawn the next day. I would suggest you take water periodically throughout the day, but refrain from drinking anything else.
This is not a form of punishment or penance; it is to help you remain focused on your practice, especially meditation practice. When we have eaten a meal it makes us feel heavy and sluggish, and both of these are not helpful for meditation as they make you feel sleepy. I would advise you not to eat twice as much at eleven thirty, hoping it will see you through till dawn, as this does not work—I know because I tried it. It will only make you feel bloated and uncomfortable.
Remember, if you lose your self-restraint and take a bite to eat or have a drink between noon and dawn, don’t be hard on yourself. Just retake the precept and focus your attention back on your practice.
Precept seven is divided into two parts: refraining from entertainment and beautifying oneself.
The first part is aimed at keeping your mind, body, and speech away from all kinds of entertainment. Not, of course, that they are “sinful,” but that they disturb our mind and excite the senses. This covers TV, radio, cinema, sporting events, Netflix and even the Internet. I would further suggest you turn off your phone from dawn until dawn the next day—I know some of you will be horrified by that thought, but don’t worry, the world won’t end.
The second part covers not wearing makeup, jewellery and perfumes. This is to stop any form of vanity and conceitedness from arising. It also takes you back to basics. It doesn’t matter what your hair looks like or if your clothes are nicely ironed. What matters is that you stay focused on your practice and train yourself in self-restraint.
Precept eight covers not sleeping on a luxurious bed. Throughout the day you have cut out other luxuries, so the luxury of a large, soft bed should also be dispensed with. You could put a mattress on the floor or sleep on your own in the spare room. Again, this is not for punishment, but to help build your self-restraint.
I have heard of people going to bed at six in the evening because they were hungry and couldn’t watch the telly, so they thought they would sleep and when they wake up, they can eat and get back to their normal way of life. This is missing the point. Use your free time to study, reflect, and do your practice.
So, these are the eight precepts to follow during your day of observance. They are meant to build your mental and bodily discipline and are not a penance. If you fall short on any of these precepts during the day, don’t beat yourself up; just retake the precept and move on.
Setting up a day of observance takes planning. You have to be sure that your family and friends know what you are doing so they don’t disturb you. The first time may be a bit hit-and-miss, but don’t give up. The rewards are worth it, and in the end, it will help build your self-restraint and make your life much simpler.
In the Dhammapada, verse 234, it states this:
‘The wise who restrain their body, who restrain their tongue, the wise who restrain their mind, are indeed well restrained’.
This blog is based on my book ‘Life’s Meandering Path’- available from Amazon and Kindle.
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It is widely believed these days that compassion is an innate phenomenon. We have a natural, automatic desire to help others who are suffering. We have a built-in urge to engage in compassionate behaviours to help fellow humans overcome obstacles without obtaining any reward. The act of helping is itself a reward.
When we feel compassion, our heart rate slows down, we secrete the “bonding hormone” oxytocin, and regions of the brain linked to empathy, caregiving, and feelings of pleasure light up, which often results in us feeling like we want to care for other people.
It is my understanding that we are born with compassion as part of our survival instincts, which means compassion is essential to human relationships and to help humanity. The problem is these days we spend an awful lot of our day in the fight or flight mode, and this blocks our compassion. This is because we are stressed and under pressure for large parts of the day and the brain sees this as a threat. It is difficult for us to be compassionate if our brains are focused on survival.
Compassion involves feeling another person’s pain and wanting to take steps to help relieve their suffering. The word compassion itself derives from Latin and means “to suffer together.” It is defined as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering. That means it’s not simply an emotion, it is accompanied by a strong desire to act and alleviate the suffering you witness, which makes it a verb.
If you break it down to its essential parts, it means we have a strong aspiration that all beings are happy and free from suffering.
Though compassion is innate it does not always come easily. Here are seven ways to help build your compassion.
Self-Compassion We can be hard on others, but usually the person who gets the brunt of our harshness, is ourselves. It is hard to offer compassion to others when you can’t even extend it to ourselves.
Self-compassion isn’t about loving ourselves, being self-indulgent or narcissistic. It’s about being kind and supportive to ourselves when we are facing difficulties or have made a mistake.
We all know that life can be challenging, and it can be difficult to have compassion for ourselves when we must face suffering on a daily basis. But we have to understand that being human is a difficult thing and we are doing our best. We are not failing when we’re having a hard time, we are just being human.
Being compassionate to ourselves means offering support by empathising with ourselves. We can do this by talking positively with ourselves, take time out to reflect and regroup, giving ourselves a hug (I especially recommend doing this. It feels so supportive), give ourselves reassurance and be kind.
It’s important to understand that we are wired to feel, and these feelings are important. They give meaning to our lives. So, the first part of self-compassion involves accepting that it’s OK to feel. Don’t override or suppress feelings – just feel them.
Nobody knows us like we do. Nobody understands us like we do. Nobody knows just what we are going through. This is why we have to care for ourselves, have compassion for ourselves and become our own best-friend.
Similarities Look for things we have in common with others, not differences. It can be easier to identify how you differ from another person, but we should at least try to find commonalities.
This will help you to relate to them and not see them as a different. In the end, this will help you create a bond with them enabling you to feel compassion.
Communication When speaking to others we need to engage our brains before we open our mouths. Check that what you are about to say is helpful, kind, and compassionate. If it isn’t, I would suggest you stay quiet.
We all know that words are powerful tools which can empower or harm, uplift or drag someone down. So, in order to build compassion, we need to ensure our words do not bring about harm.
Perspective We can get caught up in our own viewpoints. It can be a real challenge to step outside of ourselves and see another perspective. Try to consider how another person is influenced by a situation, and ask yourself some simple questions:
How would I be feeling if this happened to me?
How would my family and friends feel if it was me?
How would I respond?
What would I find helpful at a challenging time like this?
By considering the other person’s perspective, you are more likely to feel positive and connected to them.
Listening When in conversation with another person, we don’t usually full listen to them. After a certain time, we start thinking about what we want to say next, and sometimes even interrupt them.
When trying to generate compassion for another, try to abandon your desire to give advice. Instead, actively listen. Suspend making any conclusions and simply offer the other person you full attention. It isn’t easy to do but with practice it is certainly achievable.
Present Moment When we are distracted by our thoughts, emotions, memories, imagination, and perspectives, we cannot focus on what is right in front of us. That means we are unable to identify those in need of compassion. The only way we can do that is by being present in the moment.
You can help yourself to become more present by practicing mindfulness. By bringing yourself back to what is happening right at this moment you will be better able to concentrate and focus on the people around you who may need your time and attention.
A simple way to bring yourself back into the moment is to count your breaths. Count ten
in-breaths and then ten out-breaths. Ensure you focus your whole attention on the breath, and this will bring your awareness back to the here and now.
Giving Generosity is a wonderful way to build compassion. Try contributing your time, unwanted possessions or make donations.
Compassion is contagious. Acts of generosity and thoughtfulness inspire more of the same, into a chain reaction of goodness.
Getting caught up in ourselves and our needs can kill compassion. But if you can look beyond yourself, cultivate compassion for yourself and others and truly engage with others, your life will be more fulfilling. Not only that, but you will also feel more connected and less stressed and anxious.
You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on my website.
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When we are faced with challenging obstacles, we all cope in different ways, some face them head on, whereas others buckle under the pressure. It’s important for us to find ways to build up our emotional strength. We spend a lot of time focusing on getting our bodies into shape or practicing healthy habits, but very little time working on improving our mental wellbeing. Building emotional strength requires daily exercise, just like building physical strength.
It’s perfectly normal for us to have moments of stress, anxiety or feeling overwhelmed, but if you regularly feel like you’re drowning in your emotions, you need to improve your mental wellbeing.
What is emotional strength? It’s a type of response when reacting to emotional events in an open and vulnerable way, which allows us to find ways of dealing with the emotion and not getting all tangled up in it.
Do you have emotional strength? Here are four indicators:
You can respond in an open and vulnerable way.
You are emotionally responsive.
You use vulnerable language when describing your situation.
You engage in action and don’t shy away from it.
There are many situations that emotionally strong people avoid and actions they never take. Here are just a few:
They don’t seek attention or let others get them down.
They believe in themselves and don’t hold grudges.
They don’t shy away from saying ‘No.’
They don’t sit around dreading what may or may not happen in the future.
They prefer action, rather than words.
So, looking at these two lists, ask yourself, ‘Are you emotional strong?’
Don’t worry if you’re not because there are things you can do to change that. Here are a few tools that will help you build your emotional strength.
Setting Boundaries – We can start by setting yourself boundaries. Whether it’s with friends, family, your partner, or even your co-workers, boundary setting is extremely important. When you know what is tolerable or not, acceptable or not, reasonable or not, you will have a solid foundation of emotional strength. Boundaries should be based on your values, or the things that are important to you. Remember, they are your boundaries, and yours alone. So, spend some time on setting up your red lines and stick to them.
Many of your boundaries might align with those who are close to you, but others will be unique. It is important to let others know what your boundaries are, so they don’t inadvertently step over them.
Let’s Get Physical – Looking after our bodies is another good way to build emotional strength. The mind and body are inseparable, by taking good care of your body, your mind will reap the benefits. It could be as simple as a brisk walk around the block or going for a jog. It doesn’t have to be a full workout at the gym. What is important is you do it regularly and you get a sweat on.
We Are What We Eat – Eating a healthy diet can help reduce your stress levels, improve your self-confidence, combat depression, and alleviate anxiety.
To have a healthy, balanced diet, people should try to eat at least 5 portions of a variety of fruit and vegetables every day, base meals on higher fibre starchy foods like potatoes, bread, rice or pasta, and try to reduce your meat and dairy intake – there are plenty of plant-based alternatives out there these days.
A Helping Hand – Reaching out to others is a great way to help build your emotional strength. Some may see this as a sign of weakness, I see it as a sign of strength. The person who doesn’t share their problems could eventually buckle under the weight of their own struggles or become isolated and resentful. It is well known that the people with quality relationships and strong social support systems show signs of greater happiness.
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable. People who open themselves up to others learn what real friendship, trust, and sincerity feels like. When your heart is closed, it leads to scepticism and insecurity, but when it is open, you have hope and clarity.
Alone, but not lonely – When you enjoy your own company, you help build your emotional strength. There are times when we inevitably are alone, and we need to be able to make the best of those moments. If you feel some resistance to spending time alone, you really need to work on that. Ask yourself, ‘Why do I hate to be alone, what am I afraid of, what do I think will happen?’ Start off slowly by spending a few minutes alone and then slowly start to build on that. Remember, when you are spending time by yourself, turn off all your devices, so you can limit any distractions. We can’t really claim to be alone if we are chatting on WhatsApp or sending photos on Instagram.
We also need to be careful how we talk to ourselves. Turning negative self-talk into positive thinking can help reduce your risk of depression, lower levels of distress, and improving your coping skills. If you are a person that tends to be critical of yourself, it’s important you change that inner dialogue. Counter your critical inner voice by speaking to yourself in a positive way that is kind, caring and, above all else, supportive, as this is a pillar of emotional strength.
Bring Awareness to Your Day – Practicing mindfulness is another way to build your emotional strength. Knowing yourself, paying attention to your responses, and practicing settling your body down when feeling overwhelmed is going to make you emotionally stronger. By bringing yourself back into the present moment you will have a full awareness of your thought process, your emotions, body sensations and your immediate environment. When you are armed with this full awareness, you will be able to consciously face up to any challenges you may be facing.
When faced with difficulties, take a moment to watch your breath. No need to change the way you are breathing, just become aware of it. Leave your full awareness of the breath flowing in and out of your nostril. This will give you the space to calm down. Once you are calm, you will be much better placed to deal with your present situation, and you will be strengthening yourself emotionally.
You can read more blogs, listen to podcasts, watch videos and practice guided meditations on my website.
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The more we get caught up in negative patterns of behaviour and mental states, the more they become engrained. This means they become stored in our subconscious, and we act in certain ways without consciously thinking and we become overwhelmed by our mental states, such as anger, jealousy, pride, without noticing it.
It is said that most people spend 70% of their lives living in the survival mode, the fight or flight mode, which means they are living in stress. They are always anticipating the worst-case scenario, based on a past experience, selecting the worst possible outcome and beginning to emotionally embrace it with fear and conditioning their mind into a state of fear.
This conditioning becomes a pattern of behaviour, a habit, which is a set of automatic unconscious thoughts, behaviours and emotions that’s acquired through repetition. A habit is when you’ve done something so many times your mind now knows how to do it unconsciously.
If these habits, behaviours, and mental states are positive and helpful, there’s no problem. But if they are negative and counterproductive, they can cause us untold problems. We need to be aware of our actions and mental states, so we can make changes, and become the best version of ourselves. It will also ensure we have a peaceful state of mind and find true inner happiness.
We can start to change by following the process I have called ‘Eliminate what is holding you back.’ This consists of seven steps, which are realisation, study, conviction, determination, action, effort, and time.
Realisation: we first need to realise our actions and mental states are causing us, and others, to suffer. This is a key point because if we don’t know we are sick, we won’t go to the doctor. So, if we are unaware of negative behaviours and mental states, we will not try to find a solution.
Buddha’s very first teaching was the four noble truths, and the first truth is life brings about suffering. He then talked about the causes and the path out of suffering. So, to be able to make changes in our life we need to first understand that things do not have to be like they are. There is a better way to live our lives. That is the realisation we are looking for here.
We have to become aware if we are living in the survival mode or the creation mode. The survival mode is the fight or flight mode, and the creation mode is the rest and digest mode.
Living in stress is living in survival. Now, all of us can tolerate short term stress but when we turn on the stress response and we can’t turn it off, we are headed for disease because no organism in nature can live in emergency mode for an extended period of time.
living in creation is when we are conscious of our actions, behaviours, and mental states. It is when we can make changes and become the best possible version of ourselves. We begin to utilise our huge frontal lobe, which is 40% of our entire brain and it’s where we plan, organise, become productive and creative. So, living in creation means using our frontal lobe to make conscious choices to change.
Firstly, we need to understand when we are in survival and when we are in creation mode. Once we understand the damage we are doing to ourselves and people around us by following old patterns of behaviour, we can start the process of change.
To bring awareness to our lives it is important we remain with a calm mind. Here are 10 ways we can easily do that.
Study: now we need to learn about how we can change, such as learning about impermanence to stop our attachment to people and things or learn antidotes to our anger. Studying is going to show us that there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is going to help us move on to the next stage of this process. It will also help us to keep our goals and aspirations realistic. So, I would suggest you study Buddha’s foundation teachings, especially the four noble truths.
Do not over study, as that will make the process of change an intellectual one, which it certainly is not. We need to study so we can practice and not just to make ourselves more intelligent. So, we need to strike the right balance between study and practice.
Conviction: we then need to be convinced that what we have studied will work. This will give us hope that the change will help us become the best possible version of ourselves. If we have doubt, it will stop our conviction. So, doubt needs to be cleared up during the study stage. There is nothing wrong with doubt but left unattended it will sit in our minds like a poison. It will hold us back. So, clearing up any doubts will give us the conviction to move on.
It is at this stage we have some type of expectations. We need to be careful here. If our expectations are too high, we are going to set ourselves up to fail, and none of us like failure. If our expectations are too low, we will not be challenged and will not work hard to achieve our true potential.
Determination: we need to be determined to carry on no matter what obstacles appear. We will probably come up against these five at sometime during our journey on the path.
Sensory desire: seeking pleasures through our five senses. This
means we would become distracted, and our focus will be disturbed.
Resentment: feelings of hatred and bitterness.
Laziness: our actions will be half-hearted and lack focus.
Worry: our energy will not be focused, and our minds will not be calm.
Doubt: if we didn’t clear up our doubts at an earlier stage or new doubts appear, we will lack conviction.
This is why we require determination, as that will motivate us.
Psychologists talk about three types of motivation, namely biological needs that must be met for survival; stimulation and information; need for success, power, and status. But I am talking about a spiritual motivation, which is not based on worldly pursuits but in pursuit of higher goals, such as compassion, inner happiness, peace of mind, kindness, and spiritual development.
Action: Before we can learn new patterns of behaviour, we must unlearn the old patterns, which means, before we relearn, we have to break the habit of the old self, so we can reinvent the new self.
The best way to start this process is during meditation. We need to sit down, close our eyes, focus on the breath, and disconnect from our outer environment. This means we will be having less sensory information going to the brain, so there’s less stimulation. We have to inform the brain that we will answer the emails, post on social media, eat lunch, watch Netflix after the meditation, but for now, we are just sitting.
During this time our mind will want to go back to its emotional past, it’s old way of thinking, and we will become aware that our attention is on those emotions and thoughts. Our minds are taking us out of the present moment and back into the past. Every time we become aware that we’re doing that, and our minds are craving those thoughts and emotions, we bring our awareness back to the breath and settle it back down into the present moment.
If we keep doing this repeatedly, just like we are training a dog to sit, the mind will eventually surrender and just sit.
We can then mentally isolate different aspects of our negative behaviour or mental states and engage in a dialogue between the person you are and the person you wish to be. The negative behaviour is rooted in our subconscious mind, so actually the dialogue is between our conscience and subconscious mind. The more we bring our subconscious into the conscious, the more we will change.
For example, we may be a person that becomes angry very easily. So, during meditation, we look at what triggers our anger, what it feels like when we are angry, imagine what others feel like when we are angry towards them and so on. That is our old pattern of behaviour. Now, look at the person we want to become. A person that does not react to the triggers, that feels good because they are not constantly angry and a person that does not harm others with their anger. This will, after some time, become our new way of acting and feeling.
Our lives are not going to change very much if we keep having the same thought process, as that just leads to the same choice, the same choice leads to the same behaviour, the same behaviour creates the same experience, and the same experience produces the same results. So, the act of becoming more aware of how we think, how we act, and how we feel is called metacognition. That is important because the more conscious we become of those unconscious states of mind, the less likely we’re going to go unconscious during the day and those old thought patterns are not going to slip by our awareness unchecked.
So, the more we become familiar with the thoughts, the behaviours, and the emotions of the old self we’re retiring, the more we wire new thoughts and condition the mind into a new emotional state.
Effort: we need effort and commitment to keep moving forward, no matter how difficult or frustrating the process becomes. We all know change is not easy.
Once we start to make a different choice, we don’t feel the same way. Our mind is telling us we have been doing this for so many years and it’s going into the unknown, and that’s scary. It will try it’s hardest to return to familiar territory. It starts to try and influence us by telling us we can start tomorrow. If we give in and listen to the mind we will never change, as the same thought will lead to the same choice, and we slip back into old patterns of behaviour.
This is why we need to put in great effort, so we can override the old way of being and build a new, more beneficial way of being.
Time: this is an extremely slow process, and we shouldn’t expect quick results. Change is never going to come easy, so we need to constantly remind ourselves that we are in this for the long-haul.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and our patterns of behaviour and mental states will not miraculously change overnight.
So, in a nutshell, if we want to change, we first need to realise there is a better way to live our lives. This will then encourage us to study and find out what that change looks like and how we can make that change a realisation. We then need to have conviction and determination, so we do not get side-tracked. After that, we need to put what we have learned into action, and we do this through meditation. Finally, we need to put in an enormous amount of effort and time, so we get the results we desire.
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